i don't want you to think of me as your TA
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
