There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
