Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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