talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
