Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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