i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
