headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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