I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
