I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
