You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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