Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
