I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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