I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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