Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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