this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
