is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
