We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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