I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
