You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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