I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
