If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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