At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
