omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
