Where did you get a picture of my penis
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
