In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My hand turned me down
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
