Your mouth is God's brothel.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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