this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
