Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
