it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
