Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
