Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
