I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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