How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
