Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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