You're my little dorito
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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