just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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