Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
