Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize