can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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