So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
