two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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