When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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