I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
