I look better un-naked...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
