hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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