How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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