my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
