I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
