i jhust puked up my retainher.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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