After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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