I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
