I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I understand Curling. That high.
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please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Everclear isn't food dammit
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.