Will you blow on my dice?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.