The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
