I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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