My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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