So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
