based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
