Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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