put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
