JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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